Hindsight is always 20/20

Muddy MinuteManCX smiles
Photo Cred: Katie Busick

I wish I had never taken that A-Line gamble at the end of July. Personally, I wanted to prove I was good enough to do it, to push my limits. I was confident in my MTB skills to do it, but realistically too confident and I paid the price.

I keep looking at this picture above and thinking about everything I felt on Sunday’s race. It has been a fight for a number of months. I was excited for the conditions and what could possibly be in store, however, that didn’t last. I personally beat myself up for ‘wasting’ my race and was upset. I was over confident in an early corner and payed for it. I spent the rest of the race madly chasing every rider I could in front of me, but I didn’t have much in the tank. I stewed at myself for a few minutes after the finish, then eventually got up to thank and high five friends and competition alike. That is what 2 months of barely any training and a brain injury will do to you. However, it is the other stuff that the latter does, that is the hardest to deal with at times and it isn’t always easy to talk about, but I’m going to try.

Traumatic brain injuries really play with your emotions. The highs are high, but the lows can be horribly low. The happiness is hard and the sadness seems simple at times. The ebb and flow balance is missing and it is a challenge to find that. TBIs are like a CX race in a way; confidence can be fleeting and self doubt seems heavy, but you relish in the moments when you snagged that piece of confidence back and shoved the doubt away for a moment. It is an all out battle, but with your own head.

Who knows where I would be today if I had done the B-Line, but I didn’t. And with that I know there was lessons to be learned, probably a number of them still to come. One lesson learned so far is that I should be grateful: Grateful to be here, in all manners. I need to keep reminding myself of that lesson the most. I need to keep fighting to find that ebb and flow in that happy/sad balance. I need to really work at letting the bad stuff go, whatever it may be from, for again I need to remember to be grateful that I am able to experience it. I need to focus on the small ‘wins’ for those can compound into big wins over time. I’m not saying that it is going to be easy and I will fail at times, but I am going to try my best.

The second lesson is one that is really hard and frustrating to deal with at times: There is no end-date. There is no cast to take off after six weeks, no time table provided that shows recovery steps I will hit until I am fully 100% again. Some days I feel awesome and strong, other days I am foggy and whooped. I need to enjoy the good and work with the bad days and value them, as hard as it can be. I also need to remember that this won’t last forever, it is a bump in my course. Again, I may fail sometimes and prevail at others.

In the end, I am going to try my hardest to work with whatever gets thrown my way with this injury and figure out how to keep moving forward, for I am grateful to be able to ride my bike, let alone race it. I’m grateful for my wife and her strength and support through this, for I know it hasn’t been easy for her. She is my rock.

My Amazing Wife: Kristen
Photo Cred: Katie Busick

I’m grateful for my family who listens and supports me as well. I’m grateful for my friends who have offered help in all ways that they can and who have cheered me on in simple tasks and on the race course. I’m grateful for my competition that pushes me to push myself and to keep fighting. Thank you all and thanks for listening.