“In a world that owes you nothing
You give everything
Everything
----
Now that you're caught between
What you can't leave behind
And all that you may never find
So fly, just fly
Just fly one time…”
Fly One Time-Ben Harper and Relentless 7
Saturday gave me so much, in so many ways.
I wanted to fly up the mountain and back down. I wanted to feel like my old self; confidence, coolness, comfortableness, and cocky.
I tried to channel positivity, in that I have been putting in the work, maybe now would be the time the results showed it and my body reacted. I slapped a #KeepItFun Catharine Pendrel sticker of rainbows and unicorns happiness on my bike and gave it all a go.
Brutal honesty: My body wasn’t up for the task and hasn’t been up for the task for the past couple of months. Maybe it is a plateau, maybe it is full blown fatigue, maybe it is mental. I know I need a bike/workout sabbatical and that is what this week is about, which is hard when others are slaying it and rocking out rad rides in perfect weather. However, to right this ship and to get ready to roll for the second season that is coming up fast, it is necessary. For once, I’m not fighting it.
•••••
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| Photo Cred:Alice Johannen |
This weekend, I was as ready as I could be. I took a chance and popped myself into the Elite Women’s field, knowing it would make me work and it would challenge me. I tried, but it (I) was subpar. Personally, I was happy enough with my start and how I was a part of the conga line of rad ladies as we climbed and then climbed some more, but it didn’t last long. Yet, I didn’t beat myself up this time and this isn’t a pity party post.
•••••
We all want to get better, to be faster, to be stronger, to know that all the work that we put in will have a result that we are pleased with. We train to our mental toughness peaks, train to our power numbers, train our hearts to react certain ways, train our muscle fibers to give and let go in so many methods of madness for speed and reactionary prowess. When the whistle blows, we hope it is all supposed to be like how we have trained: Flawless, Fierce, Fast, Flying.
Sometimes everything clicks in that moment and sometimes, nothing clicks at all.
I’m sure we all go through this ebb and flow of love/hate with racing, and even riding at times. When swinging your leg over the saddle for another training session may send excitement for the potential possibilities that lie ahead or full shutters through your body. Honestly, who knows why; For something that we give so much to, we often wonder what does it give back? Compound those thoughts with injury flashbacks, tentativity swirling through your head, and feelings of flatness, fried, fatigue body, heart, mind; It can all make one wonder, ‘What am I doing here?!?’ “Why am I racing?!’
…Really, do any of us really know?!?!
This past Saturday provided me with the what and why I am doing this.
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| Photo Cred: Meg McMahon |
I race to push myself past my limits because it makes me feel young. I feel like I’m 20 again, slightly invincible in an aging and somewhat broken 38 year old body. It gives me joy and connects me to the things I don’t have in my 8-6 M-F hummm drummm work life. I connect it to the past freedom, exhilaration, and work effort that was required to swing a leg over the saddle of a horse growing up on the farm. I connect it to flying, much like galloping on our horses on the trails behind our farmhouse. “How fast can I go on this steed, how much more can my eyes water, how amazing does the wind flowing past my face feel, I wonder how big my smile is as I go faster and faster?!” For me, racing is the feeling of youth, freedom, and unbridled challenges that may lie ahead. These feelings may not occur in every race or on every ride I do now, but I’ll be damned if they aren’t lurking in the back of my soul, eeking to get out as soon as I start pedaling.
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| Photo Cred: Meg McMahon |
I race because I love this community. They give so much, often without even trying. It may be a start line high five, it may be a random cheer on course or a water handup, it may be a photog snapping a pic that makes you feel good about your day, it may be random chat with friends you rarely see but feel like you left off exactly where your last conversation ended, it may be a DJ sing along session for a two hour plus drive to a venue with a buddy, it may be the laughs of nervousness we all share before a whistle goes off, or it may be the shared relief that we all did the same course at our limits and finished it in one muddy, sweaty piece. It could also be the random check in with fellow racers when life events, health issues, or injuries have keep them down or behind. Sometimes it is fleeting conversations or full length word fests, surely filled with a laugh or two at some point. Yet, I think it is the respect for each other, as a person and as a fellow racer, regardless of gender, sexual identity, race and ethnic background, political association, disability status, socioeconomic status that sticks out the most about this community. We may not get it right all the time, but I’ll be damned if the underlying sentiment of respect for one another isn’t running through each of our veins.
I keep racing because I feel from this respect for each other highlights another aspect of why I love this community. We all care for each other, care for our sport of cycling (whether it is Road/MTB/CX or others), we care about our cycling community, and we care about our roles in it. We don’t necessarily care about daily training feats of others, yet they can be impressive at times. And while we want to keep growing on each of our own levels personally, we also want to grow our sport for all levels and age groups. We want to continue our community outreach and identifying/fixing any goals/challenges within it and try our damnedest to make it better in any way we can. Sometimes, the enormity of caring so much for all of this, may come off as crass or rude, sometimes it may appear to be misaligned with the bigger picture or smaller bullet points, and sometimes it may seem like a perfect fit that will never fit in an imperfect world. This caring thing may not be easy all the time and it is a lot of work, but in the minuscule rewards that happen, we know that they will eventually compound into larger ones, so we keep trying and giving it our all in any way we can.
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| Photo Cred: Meg McMahon |
We all share something special in this crazy cycling world and I am really lucky I get to share it with you all.
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