Experiencing the World

When your heart is beating out of your chest at the Start Line; When you cry after crossing the Finish Line; You know it meant something in the Middle while racing the World.

Crédit: Louis Charland

  
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I’ve needed a couple of days to digest. And truthfully, I’m still not ready, but the start of the work week is kind of forcing me to work through everything, as the hum drum daily work routine makes me feel like this weekend's World Championships was a blip in time.

I know it was more than that.
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I don’t know how to put so many feelings into words. I registered in April, telling myself it was for the experience. To have no other expectations. Yet, once race day rolled closer, I knew that I wanted something more than an experience.
I lined up prepared as I could in the training/racing time that I had allowed myself this summer, I had expectations of where I may land, and dreams of what could be.
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Nothing compares to all the feelings pulsing through your body upon hearing your name called up at an International Start Line, let alone a World Championship one. So many languages of excitement filling the empty space in between the French loud speaker & what I’m sure was my speed laden heart beat in my ear drum. When they switched from speaker call-ups to the heart thumping before the gunshot start, I couldn’t tell whose heart was pounding louder; mine or the one blasting all over the mountain.

“POPP!!!”


I knew I wanted a good start.
And I had a great start, almost hole-shotting the age group two rows ahead of me.

Crédit: Louis Charland

Crédit: Louis Charland

As we raced for position on the taxing uphill start loop hill, I was in the 3-4th slot, but all of a sudden I got a feeling like my body couldn’t respond to what my heart and mind were prepared for. I tried to ignore it. I relinquished a few spots. I kept at it.

Photo Credit: Kristen Lukach

Personally, I liked the course. It wasn’t overly technical by New England standards, as it was a course that was fun to shred up and down, with switchback climbing that rewarded you with sweeping steep berms/pump track goodness going down. Yet, a couple of the descents made you be on your awareness A-Game, by throwing rooty/rocky/slickness at you. It was a course that could make you truly suffer at race pace speed: No rest for the weary.

I knew it would hurt everyone once we went past the start loop, so I tried my hardest to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in my body, and keep pushing the pedals.
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Photo Credit: Kristen Lukach

The thing about trying to get everything to click on race day, especially a World Championship race, is a total crap shoot. You can put in all the training hours required, feel prepared/great, and get taken out at the start line or have a mechanical issue mid-race. You can line up in the last row, power through the entire field, and nail an unexpected result. Sometimes, it all clicks and you land on the podium. It's elation when it lines up; Heartbreak when it falls apart. 
Yet, once the gunshot goes off, you never know what is going to happen but you Hope you will be the best you can be.
You Hope that your legs will power you through the next uphill. 
You Hope that your bike will carry you fast, but safely over the varied terrain. 
You secretly Hope that you have a better day than your competitor. 
But you Hope them all the best and safe race for all.
The power of Hope is what tells you to never give up when it all hurts.

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As the laps went from 1 to 2 to 3, I knew that my expectations and dreams weren’t going to be fulfilled, as my body wasn't going to cooperate with my plan, so I simply kept pushing the pedals as hard as I could, when I could, and never stopped giving up Hope.

Photo Credit: Kristen Lukach

I almost stopped in the finish line confusion at the end of lap 4, but I looked backwards at the UCI Official, Hoping that I really wasn't done. 
He gave me the 'keep going' signal and I gladly headed back out for my 5th and final lap. 
I enjoyed each piece of the course on the last lap and made sure to say ‘Mercí Mercí’ to every course volunteer as I passed.

I crossed the finish line.

Crédit: Louis Charland

And I thanked the timing chip volunteers.
And I thanked the photographer.
And I went over to Kristen and I cried for a moment.
And I thanked her. And I hugged her.

And I was 9th in the World in my age group.

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I made a pact with a powerfully strong and positive Kathleen, to not undercut that accomplishment.

To be proud of it.

I put myself out there on a World stage I had never experienced before.
I raced with World class athletes.
I went way outside and above my comfort zone.
And, I finished.
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I sat on the train into work today and wondered who else on it raced with the World this past weekend.
I would be surprised if there were any other hands up with mine.
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I know others are proud of me, but it has been hard to say that I am proud of myself. I'm getting there, but not 100%.
I'm not sure why, but I think one reason may be that when someone asks how I did, it is immediately followed up by ‘How many did you race with?’ Don't get me wrong, I know numbers matter, just ask the Rainbow Jersey holders and those that stood on the podium with them. 1st through 3rd place matters and I know that it matters for those who place 4th-999th. 
Truthfully, it is going to take time to allow myself to be proud of my finishing place, regardless of how many people I raced against. Maybe a few more days will allow it to fully sink in. 
But I will tell you what I am proud of today.

I showed up and I gave it everything I could on the day. While it wasn’t my dream finish, I finished safely and mechanical free and had my wife and friends cheering me on. I am proud of myself that I took a chance and showed myself what I am capable of, regardless of how the results played out. 
There is more where that came from.

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Before the race, I said this was a once in a lifetime type experience.
I don’t want it to be.
I want to be back again.
I have Hope I will be back on this World stage again.
I want to experience the rainbow dream I had in reality.

Fitting to have on my work calendar when I returned.

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I am Humbled by all the cheers of support from family and friends, near and far.
I am Lucky that Dave believes in my physical ability and gave me the tools needed to get me across the line.
I am Grateful and Thankful to Kristen for being my biggest supporter and for believing in me.

Thank you, All.