Friday, October 4, 2019

Dreamy Bittersweet

Photo Credit: Brooks Curran


“...An old friend calls and tells us where to meet
Her plane takes off from Baltimore
And touches down on Bourbon Street...” 
~Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand by Primitive Radio Gods 


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Bittersweet is like an old friend at this point. So when Hiedi “calls”, along with the Colavita Cares ladies, Mary and Ande, and tell you that something amazing is in the works, you make sure you hop on any “plane” to be there to help out, in any way you can.


So when I heard the song above at Bittersweet, in what has been likely a decade plus; it totally brought back memories of being a wishful 15-16 year old dreamer with inspirations galore! 
Reality hadn’t truly hit yet.


I used to listen to this song on repeat when I was in high school. I found it off of the Cable Guy soundtrack. I never saw the movie, but the song stuck in my temporal lobe for some unknown reason, so I paid the $20 bucks needed for a CD, for the one song.


The song has techno overtones bits mixed with some piano undertones, combined with a “Do do do do do do...” chorus, which sparks a daydream type mental image of falling asleep dreaming of what’s to come, and on the flip of a coin, being woken up by the waves of reality that life can throw at you, but then have other events happen which make you question the reality that you are in.


The aftermath of Bittersweet 4.0 has me glowing, still, almost two weeks later. The aura that surrounded this rendition hit a mark into my soul. 


It hit me hard.


It hit me good.


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“Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa's joined the mob
And happy with her full time job…”
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Is this real? 
Kinda like shaking your head and blinking your eyes to make sure you were hearing and seeing things correctly. 
That you were truly in the correct reality.
It was one of those days, ya know?!
It was one of those days where you have to keep pinching yourself to make sure you were awake.
It felt otherworldly at times.
To be surrounded by so much awesomeness.
So much authenticity.
So much inspiration.


Yet I know it was the real deal, for it was cemented in every smile, laugh, heartfelt/inspiring conversation, new found friend, and conquered challenges.


And to do it all again on Sunday, it was mind blowing awesomeness and perfection.


Damn!

It was so freaking good.


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“….Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?”
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I am a hopeful person usually, but sometimes the day to day down dreadfulness that we see on the news cycle and in real life, can get to you at times. You begin to wonder where the good is, where the people who do things for the good of doing things for others, hang out.


I found them.


They hang out at events like Bittersweet.


I mean truthfully; how often do you get to hang out with game changers across so many different aspects in life, in mixed sports and day to day professional lives? 

Aunt Jean moving as fast as an Olympian
How often do you get to meet a 75-year young Aunt who is willing to conquer new adventures with 22+ complete strangers, but trusting each of us?


I know that everyone makes an impact in this world.
But to have so many like-minded, strong, fierce women to share the crisp fall air with, to laugh with, to share stories with, to learn from, to lean on, and to lend a helping hand no matter, is humbling, but also uplifting.

To hear the founders of the 50/50 On The Water campaign from Orvis, showcase and promote a national program for gender parity in a sport that takes finesse, skill, and being respectful of the environment. 
K caught a fish!
To have an Olympic medalist who fought, and continues to fight for equality and equal payment in the sport she loves. 
To have a tag team duo of pizza making rock stars who travel the country educating and helping support programs such as building tons of bikes for low income areas and teaching them how to ride on top of it. 
To have another Olympic star and World Cup medalist who shows others that you can be your authentic self in sport and have sponsors support you in that, while proving that you still can race at the top level. 
Heart these two!
To have a national cycling darling come back after a horrendous accident, who is still willing to swing their leg over a bike and promote a growing fundo that supports after-school and summer programs.
To have a dedicated promoter who is fighting their own horrible disease, keep putting on meaningful events that spur togetherness, inspiration, commitment to community, and bringing more women into this crazy cycling world.
To hear what participants are doing in their communities, big or small, in order to make it better for the next generation that comes after us leaves me with all the feels.


It makes you take a step back.


Good is being done and it’s for real.


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“Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?....
...
A life is time, they teach us growing up
The seconds ticking….
….
You ride the waves and don't ask where they go…”
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The daily routine is just that: a routine in steady waves of time increments. 
Some Up, Some Down.
Riding the waves of everyday life. 


For most of us, I am sure it often it feels as if we run through the daily routine, with only a little bit of time, and truly are half asleep.


Heck, my routine of time crunching waves is: Get up at such and such time, workout for a predefined time with micro time intervals settled within, calculate the time needed to stretch, roll, eat breakfast, get ready for work, commute to train, hope that said train isn’t late because it matters what time you end up arriving to work, where you spend most of your waking hours to pay for the food on your table, the shelter over your head, and the hobbies you like to partake in, to rushing out the door at the end of the day hoping again, that time is on your side to catch the outbound train that doesn’t make any stops to save more time at home, so it isn’t too late to see your loved one, make/eat dinner, so you can digest it before getting stuff ready to help save time for the next morning, to figuring out  how early you can go to bed so you aren’t a walking zombie in the day to day. 
A recurring cycle.
Reality.


Bittersweet and weekends like it are separate from a predefined time schedule and they give me hope away from the day to day grind. Even though there is time increments of start/end for our adventures over the Bittersweet day, the beginning/inetween/after, is always a go-with-the-flow piece of goodness. 
You lose track of time.
You don't want the time to end.


Why? How?


It is getting lost and engrossed in meaningful conversations.
It is finding ways to support others and the challenges they face in the day to day reality.
It is belly laughing wholeheartedly and smiling at every moment possible. 
Newfound friends
It is watching a couple of two-year olds just meet, become instant buddies, and start holding hands. 
It is being okay with letting go of all of the stresses that the time constraints of reality puts on us all.
It is refreshing.


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“I've been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met..” 
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Bittersweet hangovers are real. 


It had me wishing that every weekend could be hanging out with ladies who not only conquer obstacles in front of them on the bike or on the pole, but in everyday life.


I am NEVER downhearted that I meet so many extraordinary people at Bittersweet events.
I guess you could say that I find myself in low spirits when we leave the authenticity that happens and all the feelings that occur during Bittersweet. 
These events make the time crunched/pay the bills/work like crazy/answer a zillion emails/make sure you checked all your boxes/dotted all of your i’s for the day/only to do it again the next day; a kinda boring reality.
Photo Credit: Brooks Curran
Yet, I guess if the day to day reality was this outstanding all the time, it wouldn’t make Bittersweet so gosh darn special, meaningful, and inspiring.


Photo Credit: Brooks Curran
I’m trying to find a way to make All The Feels of Bittersweet, the extended reality.
I am inspired by all the dreams, the euphoria, the happiness, the conquering, the desire to challenge oneself, the connections, the surprise, the wonder, and the doers.
It’s hard to come back into reality when there is so many highs to leave.





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I keep coming back to the definition of Bittersweet:


bittersweet
noun  bit·ter·sweet  \ ˈbi-tər-ˌswēt \


 Definition of bittersweet
1 : something that is bittersweet; especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret


These events are pure pleasure of inspiration wrapped up in laughs, dance moves, building confidence in new challenges, hugs ‘n high fives, fully supported-ness wrapped up in radness and warmth. The bitter part comes when you are thrown back into the day to day and only want to go back to experiencing that pleasure once more.


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Photo Credit: Ande


To all the attendees: Thank you for being a part of the Bittersweet family!


To: Hiedi, Mary, Ande, Lea, Alix, Whitney, Georgia, Frazier, Chrissy, Amanda, Cori, Els, Adam, Brooks, Matt, and Chris: Thank you for giving your all into making this Bittersweet a phenomenally memorable experience.


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"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Margaret Mead


Photo Cred: Brooks Curran

K in all of her glory
A+++ SAG Support

Foliage like this
SMILES!
Anniversary Happiness Watts
Oh yea, it was that good!
More smiles!

Jumping for joy!

New MTBr and Shreddin' it!

Heaven
Finding friends in the woods
Caption this!


Maple Cremeeeessss for the win


Picture perfect




Monday, August 26, 2019

Experiencing the World

When your heart is beating out of your chest at the Start Line; When you cry after crossing the Finish Line; You know it meant something in the Middle while racing the World.



Crédit: Louis Charland
  
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I’ve needed a couple of days to digest. And truthfully, I’m still not ready, but the start of the work week is kind of forcing me to work through everything, as the hum drum daily work routine makes me feel like this weekend's World Championships was a blip in time.

I know it was more than that.
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I don’t know how to put so many feelings into words. I registered in April, telling myself it was for the experience. To have no other expectations. Yet, once race day rolled closer, I knew that I wanted something more than an experience.
I lined up prepared as I could in the training/racing time that I had allowed myself this summer, I had expectations of where I may land, and dreams of what could be.
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Nothing compares to all the feelings pulsing through your body upon hearing your name called up at an International Start Line, let alone a World Championship one. So many languages of excitement filling the empty space in between the French loud speaker & what I’m sure was my speed laden heart beat in my ear drum. When they switched from speaker call-ups to the heart thumping before the gunshot start, I couldn’t tell whose heart was pounding louder; mine or the one blasting all over the mountain.

“POPP!!!”


I knew I wanted a good start.
And I had a great start, almost hole-shotting the age group two rows ahead of me.
Crédit: Louis Charland

Crédit: Louis Charland
As we raced for position on the taxing uphill start loop hill, I was in the 3-4th slot, but all of a sudden I got a feeling like my body couldn’t respond to what my heart and mind were prepared for. I tried to ignore it. I relinquished a few spots. I kept at it.
Photo Credit: Kristen Lukach
Personally, I liked the course. It wasn’t overly technical by New England standards, as it was a course that was fun to shred up and down, with switchback climbing that rewarded you with sweeping steep berms/pump track goodness going down. Yet, a couple of the descents made you be on your awareness A-Game, by throwing rooty/rocky/slickness at you. It was a course that could make you truly suffer at race pace speed: No rest for the weary.

I knew it would hurt everyone once we went past the start loop, so I tried my hardest to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in my body, and keep pushing the pedals.
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Photo Credit: Kristen Lukach
The thing about trying to get everything to click on race day, especially a World Championship race, is a total crap shoot. You can put in all the training hours required, feel prepared/great, and get taken out at the start line or have a mechanical issue mid-race. You can line up in the last row, power through the entire field, and nail an unexpected result. Sometimes, it all clicks and you land on the podium. It's elation when it lines up; Heartbreak when it falls apart. 
Yet, once the gunshot goes off, you never know what is going to happen but you Hope you will be the best you can be.
You Hope that your legs will power you through the next uphill. 
You Hope that your bike will carry you fast, but safely over the varied terrain. 
You secretly Hope that you have a better day than your competitor. 
But you Hope them all the best and safe race for all.
The power of Hope is what tells you to never give up when it all hurts.

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As the laps went from 1 to 2 to 3, I knew that my expectations and dreams weren’t going to be fulfilled, as my body wasn't going to cooperate with my plan, so I simply kept pushing the pedals as hard as I could, when I could, and never stopped giving up Hope.


Photo Credit: Kristen Lukach
I almost stopped in the finish line confusion at the end of lap 4, but I looked backwards at the UCI Official, Hoping that I really wasn't done. 
He gave me the 'keep going' signal and I gladly headed back out for my 5th and final lap. 
I enjoyed each piece of the course on the last lap and made sure to say ‘Mercí Mercí’ to every course volunteer as I passed.

I crossed the finish line.
Crédit: Louis Charland

And I thanked the timing chip volunteers.

And I thanked the photographer.
And I went over to Kristen and I cried for a moment.
And I thanked her. And I hugged her.


And I was 9th in the World in my age group.

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I made a pact with a powerfully strong and positive Kathleen, to not undercut that accomplishment.


To be proud of it.

I put myself out there on a World stage I had never experienced before.
I raced with World class athletes.
I went way outside and above my comfort zone.
And, I finished.
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I sat on the train into work today and wondered who else on it raced with the World this past weekend.
I would be surprised if there were any other hands up with mine.
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I know others are proud of me, but it has been hard to say that I am proud of myself. I'm getting there, but not 100%.
I'm not sure why, but I think one reason may be that when someone asks how I did, it is immediately followed up by ‘How many did you race with?’ Don't get me wrong, I know numbers matter, just ask the Rainbow Jersey holders and those that stood on the podium with them. 1st through 3rd place matters and I know that it matters for those who place 4th-999th. 
Truthfully, it is going to take time to allow myself to be proud of my finishing place, regardless of how many people I raced against. Maybe a few more days will allow it to fully sink in. 
But I will tell you what I am proud of today.

I showed up and I gave it everything I could on the day. While it wasn’t my dream finish, I finished safely and mechanical free and had my wife and friends cheering me on. I am proud of myself that I took a chance and showed myself what I am capable of, regardless of how the results played out. 
There is more where that came from.

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Before the race, I said this was a once in a lifetime type experience.
I don’t want it to be.
I want to be back again.
I have Hope I will be back on this World stage again.
I want to experience the rainbow dream I had in reality.


Fitting to have on my work calendar when I returned.



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I am Humbled by all the cheers of support from family and friends, near and far.
I am Lucky that Dave believes in my physical ability and gave me the tools needed to get me across the line.
I am Grateful and Thankful to Kristen for being my biggest supporter and for believing in me.
Thank you, All.