Reset:Recharge

“In a world that owes you nothing

You give everything

Everything

----

Now that you're caught between

What you can't leave behind

And all that you may never find

So fly, just fly

Just fly one time…”

Fly One Time-Ben Harper and Relentless 7

Saturday gave me so much, in so many ways.
I wanted to fly up the mountain and back down. I wanted to feel like my old self; confidence, coolness, comfortableness, and cocky.
I tried to channel positivity, in that I have been putting in the work, maybe now would be the time the results showed it and my body reacted. I slapped a #KeepItFun Catharine Pendrel sticker of rainbows and unicorns happiness on my bike and gave it all a go. 
Brutal honesty: My body wasn’t up for the task and hasn’t been up for the task for the past couple of months. Maybe it is a plateau, maybe it is full blown fatigue, maybe it is mental. I know I need a bike/workout sabbatical and that is what this week is about, which is hard when others are slaying it and rocking out rad rides in perfect weather. However, to right this ship and to get ready to roll for the second season that is coming up fast, it is necessary. For once, I’m not fighting it. 

•••••

Photo Cred:Alice Johannen

This weekend, I was as ready as I could be. I took a chance and popped myself into the Elite Women’s field, knowing it would make me work and it would challenge me. I tried, but it (I) was subpar. Personally, I was happy enough with my start and how I was a part of the conga line of rad ladies as we climbed and then climbed some more, but it didn’t last long. Yet, I didn’t beat myself up this time and this isn’t a pity party post.

•••••

We all want to get better, to be faster, to be stronger, to know that all the work that we put in will have a result that we are pleased with. We train to our mental toughness peaks, train to our power numbers, train our hearts to react certain ways, train our muscle fibers to give and let go in so many methods of madness for speed and reactionary prowess. When the whistle blows, we hope it is all supposed to be like how we have trained: Flawless, Fierce, Fast, Flying.

Sometimes everything clicks in that moment and sometimes, nothing clicks at all. 

I’m sure we all go through this ebb and flow of love/hate with racing, and even riding at times. When swinging your leg over the saddle for another training session may send excitement for the potential possibilities that lie ahead or full shutters through your body. Honestly, who knows why; For something that we give so much to, we often wonder what does it give back? Compound those thoughts with injury flashbacks, tentativity swirling through your head,  and feelings of flatness, fried, fatigue body, heart, mind; It can all make one wonder, ‘What am I doing here?!?’ “Why am I racing?!’

…Really, do any of us really know?!?!

This past Saturday provided me with the what and why I am doing this.

Photo Cred: Meg McMahon

I race to push myself past my limits because it makes me feel young. I feel like I’m 20 again, slightly invincible in an aging and somewhat broken 38 year old body. It gives me joy and connects me to the things I don’t have in my 8-6 M-F hummm drummm work life. I connect it to the past freedom, exhilaration, and work effort that was required to swing a leg over the saddle of a horse growing up on the farm. I connect it to flying, much like galloping on our horses on the trails behind our farmhouse. “How fast can I go on this steed, how much more can my eyes water, how amazing does the wind flowing past my face feel, I wonder how big my smile is as I go faster and faster?!” For me, racing is the feeling of youth, freedom, and unbridled challenges that may lie ahead. These feelings may not occur in every race or on every ride I do now, but I’ll be damned if they aren’t lurking in the back of my soul, eeking to get out as soon as I start pedaling.

Photo Cred: Meg McMahon

I race because I love this community. They give so much, often without even trying. It may be a start line high five, it may be a random cheer on course or a water handup, it may be a photog snapping a pic that makes you feel good about your day, it may be random chat with friends you rarely see but feel like you left off exactly where your last conversation ended, it may be a DJ sing along session for a two hour plus drive to a venue with a buddy, it may be the laughs of nervousness we all share before a whistle goes off, or it may be the shared relief that we all did the same course at our limits and finished it in one muddy, sweaty piece. It could also be the random check in with fellow racers when life events, health issues, or injuries have keep them down or behind. Sometimes it is fleeting conversations or full length word fests, surely filled with a laugh or two at some point. Yet, I think it is the respect for each other, as a person and as a fellow racer, regardless of gender, sexual identity, race and ethnic background, political association, disability status, socioeconomic status that sticks out the most about this community. We may not get it right all the time, but I’ll be damned if the underlying sentiment of respect for one another isn’t running through each of our veins. 

I keep racing because I feel from this respect for each other highlights another aspect of why I love this community. We all care for each other, care for our sport of cycling (whether it is Road/MTB/CX or others), we care about our cycling community, and we care about our roles in it. We don’t necessarily care about daily training feats of others, yet they can be impressive at times. And while we want to keep growing on each of our own levels personally, we also want to grow our sport for all levels and age groups. We want to continue our community outreach and identifying/fixing any goals/challenges within it and try our damnedest to make it better in any way we can. Sometimes, the enormity of caring so much for all of this, may come off as crass or rude, sometimes it may appear to be misaligned with the bigger picture or smaller bullet points, and sometimes it may seem like a perfect fit that will never fit in an imperfect world. This caring thing may not be easy all the time and it is a lot of work, but in the minuscule rewards that happen, we know that they will eventually compound into larger ones, so we keep trying and giving it our all in any way we can.

Photo Cred: Meg McMahon

And finally, through both racing and riding, I have made a mix of acquaintances and life long friendships. Heck, I even met my amazing wife through this crazy sport! I greatly value the woven fabric of friendships and relationships that I have created. I don't have enough poetic prose of random sentences to string together in order to tell you all that you mean a heck of a lot to me. I am thankful and grateful to be able to race and ride my bike for a number of reasons, but you all are one of the largest reasons why I keep coming back and keep putting in the work. So thank you to you all, for helping solidify the ‘What’ and the ‘Why’ I often question as I am red-lined in a training session or pedaling up a hill in a race.

We all share something special in this crazy cycling world and I am really lucky I get to share it with you all.

Ras•poo•teet•sah

As I was having a going away breakfast at my current position, before transitioning into a new role, someone came to up to me and said “I know that you aren’t a hugger, but I’m going to give you one anyway.” I was taken back by this comment because I have never heard that come out of anyone’s mouth to me before!

Me?

Not a hugger?

Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Willis?!?!?


•••••••


I was gonna write a Rasputitsa race report about how freakin’ out of this world Hiedi and Anthony rocked this year’s event! I mean come on, who else can convince a Bowie cover band from PA to come up to the middle of ‘cold/muddy/still F’ing snowing spring’ VT and play for a bunch of crazy cyclists who signed up to ride in all that said cray-cray that was happening?! Who else can help raise over $10k for Little Bellas MTB Mentor program?! Who else can collaborate with sponsors and vendors, like Colavita, Garneau, and Specialized to name a few, who all love to laugh and rock it out as much as they do?!

I was gonna say how I was kind of dreading the course profile, being a flatlander hangin’ by the seashore and all, but truthfully Mike Rowell’s course rendition this year was really superb! Long, steady, and hard climbs, but not complete redline explosion type climbs. And, with some of Mother Nature’s help; provided just enough ice/snow/mud to keep this ‘mudder’ happy and sunshine to soothe my Vitamin D deficient soul.

I was gonna write up how all the volunteers went out of their way to make sure the riders were safe at dangerous intersections. That they were cheering and supporting their heads and yellow monster foam fingers off. That they were feeding and fueling us with maple and chocolate covered bacon for those that can eat it.  That they were hydrating us with bourbon....errr I mean necessary warming beverages to survive the elements.

I was gonna write that I was gonna beg my Teachers to update the grade that I received at the School of Rock & Gravel from F: For a F’kin’ awesome event to an A b/c of my Aero ‘I woke up like this’ hair pointers that Ali Tekrick took note of. Maybe, I could chat with Superintendent Carrie of the Village Sports Shop School District long enough and she would maybe give me a B(eer). But, I may have to warn her to beware of Prof. Powers. Dude takes others hard earned grades (or pizzas) and let’s others have them!

I was gonna write about riders who portrayed compassion, caring, and level headedness; who stopped their rides in some of the most challenging conditions, in some of the most remote spots on course, to take care of other riders, who either needed mechanical or medical assistance.

I really wanted to write about how many women I saw on course.  I tried to give as many of them as I could, words of encouragement while riding near them! While our ratio of 196 F to 1036 M riders may not seem like much, being close to 20% of the field is a promising sign that we are slowly getting #moregirlsonbikes in the middle of mud season in NEK VT. I was gonna say that it was refreshing to see so many returning faces, but encouraging to see so many more new ones rockin’ it out there on course!

I was gonna write that this year’s Rasputitsa outdid the other three renditions that I have taken a part of and you are truly missing one hell of a show/event if you don’t go to the next ride/race/party.
But no; I’m not gonna write about all THAT.

What I am going to write about how this past weekend at Rasputitsa, I hugged SO.MANY.FRIENDS!
New and old; ya’ll got a solid big ‘ole hug!

To know me, is to know that I love supporting rad people, help out others when I can, and lend words of empowerment ‘n encouragement in any way possible. I try to smile as bright as I dress, laugh from my stomach and the bottom of my lungs, and if I know you well enough, count on a full and hardy hug!

It felt so damn good to see familiar faces that I usually don’t see ‘til CX season commences! It was also freaking awesome to reconnect with some of the strong and inspiring Bittersweet Women, who I felt lucky to make connections with over a kickin’ winter weekend! Those bonds are so good, seriously! And, I am pretty sure I hugged you ALL!

This is what events like Rasputitsa bring out. They bring out amazing people, a caring/welcoming community, and the real me. This is where I feel the most comfortable, surrounded by other passionate (albeit a bit crazy at times) friends, who happen to share the same fun addiction to adventures via bikes that I do. This is the essence of the Rasputitsa. And, THIS is why I keep coming back.

So here is my official Rasputitsa race report--
Thank you to all of the Rasputitsa-ians: Anthony and Heidi, the Rowell’s, the Pros, the Venue Hosts/Sponsors/Vendors/Charities, the Volunteers, the First Responders, the Towns that we rode through, the Spectators cheering on random desolate roads, the Kids with foam fingers, the talented Photographers, to my Wife for support/grit/love, and to all of the Riders.

Most of all; THANK YOU for all of the Hugs!

Photo Cred: Kevin Hatt

Photo Cred: Katie Busick

Photo Cred: Kevin Hatt

Photo Cred: Lindsey Wolfe

Photo Cred: Katie Busick

Photo Cred: Katie Busick

Photo Cred: Meg McMahon

(Bitter)Sweetness

bittersweet
noun  bit·ter·sweet  \ ˈbi-tər-ˌswēt \

Definition of bittersweet
1 : something that is bittersweet; especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret

Winter in New England is a fickle, frustrating mother of a beast at times. She can be kind, beautiful, and peacefully filled with warmth. Other times she is miserably mean, ugly, and agitatedly throwing any blisteringly cold weather event at you, seeing how much longer you can grit your teeth and bare it. When it is a mixed bag of whatever Mother Nature can toss your way, you begin looking for outlets that feed your inner fire, to keep you going.

Growing up, I swear I was born with planks on my feet and combo that with being from the Berkshires in Western MA, as well as growing up on a 85-acre horse farm, I always made the best of winter, whether it was sledding, downhill skiing, snowboarding, horse sleigh rides, etc. It was fun and it never bothered me. However, I’ll be honest, as I have gotten older, I have struggled in the winter at times. Who knows the reasons as to why. Yet, I know once I get bundled to deal with the elements, I usually have a decent time once I cross past the threshold of my back door.

So when Heidi Myers of Rasputitsa fame posted about a possible NEK VT winter womens weekend, it was like Jim Cantore Weather Channel level thundersnow excitement on my end. It was the white lightening bolt of energy I needed in the upcoming grey winter days.

As the days prior to registration crept by, little tantalizing tidbits of what was going to be offered, kept popping up, such as it being hosted at the Northwoods Stewardship Center in East Charleston, VT, with some amazing sponsors and volunteers from Little Bellas, Colavita, Louis Garneau, Specialized, The Alchemist, and Craftsbury General Store to name a few. Numerous winter activities looked to be on the docket, with a good spattering of indoor activities mixed in because we were in VT at the beginning of Feb and it can *sometimes* be cold, along with workshop type sessions. Holy Smokes Wonder Woman: It was going to be epic!!!

Thanksgiving morning came and I had my computer ready to register well before the 8am opening, for there were only 50 entries and I wanted to ensure that we would get into what I knew would be a one in a lifetime type experience. I lucky was able to coax Kristen into signing up for it as well, for I knew it would be something she would not want to miss.

And now here I am, the BitterSweet Womens Weekend has come and gone….

What can I say about it?

Strong

Fierce

Engaging

Fun

Intense

Passionate

Comfortable

Impressive

Humbling

Cool

Empowering

Athletic

Spirited

Challenging

Deep

Sharing

Growing

Knowledgeable

Enjoyable

Tenacious

Meaningful

Thankful

Gutsy

Rockin’

Creative

Feisty

Invigorating

Powerful

Collaborative

Relaxed

Grateful

Connective

Hopeful

Bittersweet Women’s Weekend gave me hope. As I meandered through the events and involved myself in the activities, I noticed that there was not an ounce of “suffering or regret” on a single face, regardless of the outside conditions. Only that of pleasure could be seen gracing the amazing faces of the women present.

I watched this weekend empower women from all ages and walks of life, to come together and to have fun. To be their amazing athletic selves, in a space that they were comfortable with. I watched women challenge themselves in new events/skills, myself included, and I watched the smiles spread and heard laughter roaring from all over the campus. We all took part in meaningful and heartfelt conversations on how to involve more women and to grow our numbers in the different activities we each partake in. Where there were questions; there was help and answers. Where there were inquiries; there was engaged and welcoming feedback. Where there was tentativity; there was overwhelming support. Where there was a high five; there usually was a hug that followed.  

Enough thanks cannot be said to all the amazing volunteers and women who helped make this weekend possible. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and owe you a debt of gratitude for making this weekend be out of this world, not only for myself but for all who were there.

Bittersweet Women’s Weekend was refreshing and I hope this excitement continues forward. For where there are women, there is strength and unlimited desire. And when we come together in numbers, there is no telling what we can accomplish.

Remembering the past to look towards the future....

An old snowy and sunny sleigh ride

I spent New Year’s Eve day reflecting on the past, but more than just the previous year was in my thoughts, as I went through old photo albums. 

The picture above is from our old farmhouse, as my Mom and I were heading back to the barn from a sleigh ride. You can barely see my hat covered head peeking over the seat, on my Mom’s right. As I looked at the other pictures that surrounded this one, I couldn’t have been more than 6 or 7 years old, smiling so wide as I sat in the sleigh bundled to the brim, on what I can assume was a freezing cold Berkshires day. I didn’t care how cold it was; I was with my Mom, the sun was shining, and we were with one of our trusted Morgans, pulling us all the way. This picture and so many others like it, brought forth poignant memories, into both my mind and heart.

Farm life is part of my being and I always forget how much of my soul it truly is a part of until I go back home.I feel at ease surrounded by my family, horses, dogs, and all the other random critters that may be there at any time. I miss being around and involved with the horses. I miss the way a farm smells, working hard with my hands, and seeing the results of that effort. And while we all can be a bit more than crazy at times, I miss being close to my family.

I would be lying if I said I loved it all of the time. It is hard and it can hurt, both physically and emotionally. And I wasn’t always in love with living on a farm growing up and didn’t always want to do the work associated with it, for the same reasons. But you learn so much about yourself on a farm. 

You learn about life and death. You learn how hard you can push yourself to get the job done.You learn what happens if you don’t do something. You learn that there will not always be hard days, but that they are hardly ever easy. You learn about pain and pure joy. You learn more from nature then any book can sometimes teach you. You learn about true love and fierce heartache. You learn about the real world and how you play a role in it, both positively and negatively. But you learn the most from others on the farm. You learn from farm hand help, you learn from the animals, you learn from Mother Nature, and you learn from your family, and how we all function in a symbiotic ecosystem. You learn that everything is interwoven with everything else and that you are a part of that woven masterpiece. 

As I look to the past, I know that there have been some positive pieces and some bumps in the road, some more recent then others. There always will be. Who knows what the future year will hold for myself, or any of us, really. Every second is a kaleidoscope of changes. I can only hope that I look at the lessons from the past, in order to grow for the future. It is all about forward progress, no matter how hard or how easy it may be.

NoHoCX Top What?!!?

Airing it all out...
Photo cred: Uri Halevi

Truthfully, I wasn’t sure what to expect coming into NoHo this past weekend. I had an unexpected weekend off of racing beforehand & felt status quo in my workouts leading up to it. However, I was happy with my race effort at Orchard CX two weeks before, which I felt like I was really racing back and forth with a few friends, so I was trying to bring that positivity forward into this race weekend.

I have always felt super confident at the Look Park course, eating up the little bit of techy parts and corners, while knowing that it truly is a powerhouse course in some of the straights and wind. I went out for a couple pre-laps in the bitter cold on Saturday and felt cautiously okay in them. I knew where I wanted to be at certain corners at the start and where I was comfortable stretching the tape in traffic, as well on the technical aspects of the course.

Photo Cred: Mike Rowell

The whistle went off and I was bummed at myself for a subpar start and felt like I was getting swallowed by the sprinting pack. However, my start corning plans worked to perfection and I surprisingly found myself in the top half of riders as we headed towards the woods. I tried to not lose any spots, but the power straights had me hanging on for dear life. I knew that the wood section after the pavement straight and before the run up, often throws people, especially in traffic.  As we approached the woods, I found myself in a strung out single file line as we were basically stopping and waiting for riders to go over a hump and complete a tight left hand corner around a tree. I watched riders take it wide and I went tight inside on the corner, bending my body around the tree and holding my line as I passed more people, trying to make my large body as small as possible. I really wanted to get ahead of the mass that was showing to be a bit tentative in spots I was really comfortable with.

After some passes and some back and forth in the woods, I found myself gaining on a group of three and eventually caught up to them. I eventually passed them in the finishing straight section (crazy me forgot to be the caboose/not be the engine) and lead them into the woods/run up again for the 2nd lap. After a spill by myself and then another rider, I found myself in a revolving pack of four throughout the latter half of the 2nd and third lap, with a lot of back and forth occurring.

Photo Cred: Alex Carlson

At the last lap, I had grown impatient and wanted to distance myself, but knew I would need help. I asked fellow awesome lady Kim C if she was ready. I could hear it in her voice when she said she wasn’t sure and was waning, but I encouraged her that we got this and I told her let’s go and we went! For the last lap we worked together to distance ourselves and it worked for some of the lap. In the end, I tripped up the final stairs, Kim passed me, and we both got out-sprinted in the finish line stretch of wind by a younger rider. Completely spent, we chatted and laughed afterwards that we needed to come up with a code word to use in future races, for when we are together and ready to lay the hammer down. We both didn’t know where we were in the standings, still hoping for top 15 and both expressing hopes for a top ten.

When Kim came back from looking at results, she let me know we got 10th/11th and I was floored/elated for both of us! Later on, when I looked at the finishing times and saw I was 2 seconds out of a top ten spot, I was happy and bummed at the same time, knowing if I hadn’t tripped on the stairs that may have been my only chance to snag that NoHo top ten I wanted. Yet, everyone kept saying it was possible to do on Sunday; I wasn’t so sure.

Sunday morning came after spending the night at my family’s place in the Berkshires and I was tired. Not horribly so, just that feeling of travel/full effort of racing the previous day, sitting in my legs. I kept thinking about that top ten spot though, but didn’t want to work myself up too much for it to be a disappointment. Again, I did a couple pre-laps much like the day before and I realized that the course was harder, which I could feel in my tired legs. Also, some corners had gotten wide and super greasy, so I was not sure how my cornering plan was going to play out if everyone picked the same lines that I did at the start. I was becoming more honest with myself, in that it would be really nice to do that top ten, but it would be a hard effort and I was not sure that was gonna happen.

Photo Cred: Angela Dixon

At the start, I was second row and when the whistle went off, I kept with the group and stuck to my race plan. After the first corner, I somehow found myself behind fellow PedalPow teamie Val T and knew if I could stick to her roadie power for some time, I was hoping it would distance me a bit from the pack. Then the third turn came and it was full on greasy mud, right into another greasy corner. I stuck to my plan and when I came out of those two corners, there were only a handful plus of riders in front of me. I took a mental tally of racers and thought to myself that there was no way I was already in the top ten and knew it was too early to have that thought in my head.  As quickly as it entered, it was gone, for as we raced to the barriers, everyone I passed in the corners came flying past me, up and over the barriers.

I was determined not to be dropped and not to let a number of bodies get in between Val and I, who I wanted to stick on for a bit. As we climbed, I pushed myself to not lose space and it hurt, for I knew the techy fun MTB stuff was coming up and I could get distance on riders in there. I passed inside when people went wide; I passed outside when people went inside. I was watching every single rider in front of me on everything! I watched how they handled the easy turns and hard drops and I made my moves on that. I felt more analytical in this race than any other race this season. I felt clear headed and strong in every move I made. I was feeling good, but cautiously so.
When I came around a corner I had my amazing wife Kristen and fellow Comp teamie C Todd cheering me on. When I passed them and C Todd told me I was in 9th, I literally thought to myself “Holy cow! Stay calm and don’t lose anymore spots and you will make top ten!! Remember keep it smooth, just keep it smooth,” for anything can happen in a 45 minute race. When I crossed the finish line banner, it stated 3 laps to go, in which I said to myself “Three more laps to keep this ship running as is, don’t  f ’up, don’t freak out,  and  keep it smooth.” I kept it status quo for the third lap, slowly catching a rider or two and passing them. Then it was 2 laps to go and somehow I had put myself into 7th place, with 5th and 6th inches in front of me. I made a move and found myself in 5th and tried to push it.

Photo Cred: Angela Dixon

Sometimes the thing with pushing it is you also try to be cautious at times because you don’t want to screw up. Sometimes THAT can screw you up and I did. After taking over 5th, I came up on a drop down section and scrubbed speed to enter it cleanly. However, I scrubbed too much speed and did a nose manual on a large root at the top of it, which sent me sideways over the bars, and quickly put me back in 7th. However, I grabbed my bike without getting upset and got back on to chase the two riders down as quickly as I could on the techy descent. I didn’t let it sit in my head or dictate my race and I was back in the group in a blink of an eye.

I was bummed to have relinquished 5th, but in the last lap it was a constant effort to get it back. The three of us rubber banded back and forth, switching positions at least a handful of times or more. I was starting to get slowly gapped and was tired. It was starting to feel like 7th was all that was in the cards and I should be happy with that. Yet, when it came to the last few greasy corners before the finish, I kept wide, gained speed, and caught up with Whitney who was riding in 6th. I wasn’t giving up yet, even as she started to pull away from me again. Entering in the last corner before the 100 ft sprint finish, I saw her go wide and I went inside and almost blindly sprinted in hopes that I was both keeping her away but maybe having a chance at 5th. In the end, I couldn’t catch 5th by one second, but I had secured 6th when I crossed the line! Whooped, gassed, elated, and drooling, I had made the top ten!

I gave congrats to the ladies around me and spun out the effort with fellow rad lady, Tara S. We chatted back and forth on how awesome the race was and that it was two great days of solid efforts and results. When I looked at the results, I realized I was the 2nd non-junior crossing the line, so it made my old body and brain feel good.



At the end of the day/weekend, HOLY CRAP!
Not only did I snag a Top Ten at NoHo, but I did it in a confident and controlled manner. I didn’t think I had it in me on Sunday, frankly. I never know what to expect lately with my body and efforts, but I’m always hopeful, but sometimes those hopes are dashed, even when I try as hard as I can to hang onto them. I have struggled with being too hard on myself this year, for I set high (sometimes too high) expectations for myself and beat myself down when they are not met, but I have always done that truthfully. This past weekend really helped me clear out some cobwebs on the race course and exceeded my expectations, probably because I didn’t set any. Don’t get me wrong, I did look at the fun race predictors for both days, which had me sitting only a few spots up from last place. However, I knew I could do better than that, but wasn’t sure how much better. I am hoping that this is truly forward progress and I can’t wait for more racing coming up!


THANK YOU again to my amazing wife, my awesome teammates, friends, and fellow racers for cheering/supporting/pushing me throughout this weekend!! I could not have done it without you all!!